I Will Never Know The Answer “Why” And, That Is The Hardest Part…

One part of practicing yoga is beginning with an intention. This can be anything from a goal you have on the mat to a hope you have for the wide world.

Tonight, at yoga I was asked to set my intention before my practice – usually it’s for tight abs but, today is a notable day for me.
It’s the birthday of my friend John, who committed suicide 18 years ago. *That was really hard to choke out! That he committed suicide. I’ve spent years working on being able to say that, that is what happened. That is what he did. 

I thought about him all day today so when I was asked to set an intention, I’d thought about it.
My intention is that anxiety, depression, rock bottom isn’t so taboo of a subject that people feel weak, embarrassed, alone…and that they can’t say, “Hey, I’m having a really hard time right now.” 
That’s what I wish John had done.

 Understanding suicide, its prevention and preventative measures starts by talking honestly about it. 

I don’t know why my bestest friend took his own life – I had just talked to him and had tickets to visit him in the following weeks.
Suicide forces you to face being okay with not always having all of the answers. It teaches you in an “in your face” sort of way about shock and denial – how many times have I asked “Why?!?!” 

The answer is, I’ll never truly know why. 
I’m learning to be more at peace with that. But, for me it’s the hardest part.

 I’m able now to muse with my love, who knew him better than me and equally impacted, that in my next life I’m going to shake my finger in his face and ask..”What the hell, man?!?!”
Because the truth is, none of us should feel so lost that we can’t reach out when we experience feelings of hopelessness, confusion, or being unable to even think about the next day. 

Pleasure and pain are two aspects of life (e.g. “yin” and the “yang”) and they are inseparable. 
No, you aren’t alone. Yes, we all feel this way sometimes. No, you won’t always feel like this. Yes, the world is a better place with you in it.


To Your Health!
~V

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